constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
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Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
My five year plan is a meteorite
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.