Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
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calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
when you are just born a rebel
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”