Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
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My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
same vibe as tangled headphones
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.