I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
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Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Flowers bee like
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE