Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
If you love someone, let them sleep.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute