If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
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At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.