ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I’m good, thanks.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.