ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house