Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed