ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
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Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Rt to bother an English speaker
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?