ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
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what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Ape together strong
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*