Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
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It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
#merica
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.