Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
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Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Mountain Goat : )
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Awwwww shit.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.