Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
She: I like Cats
He:
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.