Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
There are usually two types of merchants.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!