ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*