ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
bears
Not today.. 😂
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days