Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
When libraries troll their patrons.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
BRO LMFAO
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!