Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
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god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake