Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
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First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
When you’re Kinky but poor
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.