Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.