Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!