Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
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Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again