My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine