My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year