ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
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My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .