Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
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*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
im all 3
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Pat is about to own someone
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?