Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home