me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
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*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing