“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.