My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
RT if you could go either way.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.