I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
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I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.