Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
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Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.