Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
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[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
much to think about
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.