If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]