My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
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DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
(Musicians.)
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*