I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
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Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I hope it’s French Onion!
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.