Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
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her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
TEETH IS INNOCENT
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]