Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
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Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.