Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
You Might Also Like
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police