me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
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Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…