me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
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My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
new record!
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.