FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
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Just a friendly reminder!
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.