Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.