Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
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Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
CUTE CAT‼︎
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles