@vexroid: Me: Did you play video games all day?
Me: What else did you do?
9: I ate lunch
@bourgeoisalien: serious question: when someone's telling you a horrible story and they're crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they're so cute.
Me: These ugly Sketchers I'm wearing have insides made out of memory foam.
@iCumBl00d: Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you're not supposed to jerk off in the back row
@TheCatWhisprer: Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn't hurt when I burp.