Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
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my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
The funk soul brother
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls