@BerylStedman: me: *dies* mom: no get up you still have to go to school.
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@UGotMeRight: The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.
@pleatedjeans: [airport] For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class What's that? Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins [slaps table] SOLD
@lecalabara: Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh...
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I think it's weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC