. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Fidel Castro was alive?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona