ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
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ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space